The Zombie Apocalypse: Interview With Dr. Dale

We here at The Farm have made good on our promise to prepare our reader, err…. readers, with all the tools they need for the upcoming  Zombie Apocalypse. That is to say, we scored a major undead blow by snagging an Interview with Dr. Dale Seslick, founder of The School of Survival and self proclaimed guru of Zombology. Along with his Team of Experts, Dr. Dale has been hard at work all across the United Kingdom, training rookies and experienced zombie slayers alike in his unique Seminar: How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse.

If you have ever found yourself wondering in the middle of a Night, Dawn, Day of the Dead Marathon how you would fare in the event of a zombie uprising, some of your questions may be answered here. So read on, all you up all night, Carpel tunnel syndrome Resident Evil Rules fanclub members. Put your thumbs on ice, your training has just begun.

SFG: Can you give me a little background information, Dr. Seslick?

DR. DALE: Hi, I’m Dr Dale – leader of the School of Survival, zombology guru and expert in undead survival. I founded the School in 2008 with one mission in mind – to get the human race ready for when the inevitable happens (well….. at least the smart and attractive ones) As the apocalypse hasn’t happened yet and there has never been a verified zombie outbreak – a lot of research is based on logic, theories, experimentation, watching films and Wikipedia – but we work tirelessly day and night in order that you receive the training you need so that you will ultimately survive and build a very large Golden Statue of me, in thanks for all the work I’ve done in the field.

SFG: There are many different types of zombies, but basically we hear SFG categorize them into two groups: the very fast zombie and the slow somewhat stupid zombie.

Are we wrong in this assumption and if so can you elaborate?

DR. DALE: You are both right and wrong – there are much more than 2 classifications of zombie if you factor in intelligence and mutation as well as speed – but in the main, at the School of Survival we deal with the slow moving classic ‘Romero’ style zombie as through our research we believe this is the one you are most likely to encounter. (That’s not to say that you shouldn’t prepare for all eventualities, though – we don’t want to get blamed for being lax if you end up dead)

SFG: Considering that you base your knowledge in whole on the fictional media should we consider movies such as Dawn of the Dead or Resident Evil, instructional videos? And perhaps video games such as Left 4 Dead, training Exercises?

DR. DALE: Absolutley – we fully condone the use of console gaming in order to train for the coming apocalypse as it increases reaction time and hand eye coordination. Plus we also recommend watching as many zombie films as possible too as these will give you interesting ideas on how to despatch of the undead aswell as desensitising you to the violence (we do also recommend throwing an occasional romantic comedy into the mix too, though – as you don’t want to be so desensitised – although it is preferable to stay away with anything with Jennifer Lopez in it as that may be too much for your body and brain to handle) If you add in a bit of physical training into the mix as well then you’ll be absolutely ready when the inevitable happens.

SFG: Bearing in mind that your seminars are geared toward your audience type, have you and your team created a plan to suit someone like me? I am not very fast or athletic (probably couldn’t outrun them, you know) and not very skilled at using weaponry. DO I STILL HAVE A CHANCE?

DR. DALE: There is a role for everyone when the apocalypse comes and I can see you fitting perfectly intothe job of someone who is sacrificed in order to keep the more useful and skilled members of a team alive when you are taken by surprise by the undead. Might not seem like the most attractive position to hold – but at least you’re not being completely ostracised and can feel involved in the Team spirit.

SFG: After one survives the initial onset of the zombie uprising, does your plan of survival include an escape?

DR. DALE: On first hearing of the outbreak – our initial advice is get inside somewhere (anywhere) and barricade yourself in with enough weapons and food to last a week or so until the panic dies down. There’s no point taking to the streets and trying to get to your assigned safe house or loved ones as you’ll just die in the panic. Once the panic has died down, though, and the streets are quieter it really is up to you as to whether you want to move your location to somewhere more secure. One thing we would recommend is getting out of inner city areas as because of the population density there will be more zombies, rotting corpses, smell and disease and also because the authorities (should they remain intact) are highly likely to nuke these areas to stop further spread of infection – and even if you’re stood on the roof waving a white hanky they’re unlikely to stop the missile strikes – and you don’t really want ‘collateral damage’ written on your tombstone.

SFG: Could the extreme cold deter zombies? Basically, could we escape to somewhere like Alaska?

DR. DALE: You could – it has been said that zombies will freeze solid in extreme cold meaning that they are easier to destroy – the minus side to this is that you might also freeze to death as well. Plus – in certain areas of Alaska they have longer periods of night time, and darkness is never a very conducive atmosphere to survive in as as well as evil that could be lurking in the shadows, it’s also quite depressing – plus in Barrow, Alaska, you’ve also got Vampires to contend with which is just really pushing the limits a little. You might as well stay in warmer climates and just ensure that your barricades and fortification is effective enough to keep the undead out.

SFG: Speaking of the present, what can we do now to prepare for the zombie apocalypse? What are the most efficient weapons to use against the zombies? This question comes from our pacifists: Would a taser be an effective weapon or maybe pepper spray?

DR. DALE: First off, I’m not going to waste my time answering any question that is given by a zombie pacifist as they’ll end up dead within the first three seconds after the apocalypse begins when they rush out onto the streets holding candles aloft, singing motivational songs and wearing their ‘hug a zombie’ T-shirts. In fact it may just be as well to hit them on the head now and have done with the problem before they cause themselves to become infected and create one more zombie for you to deal with.

For anyone else who doesn’t have a problem braining the undead – we follow the strict rule that a choice of weapon is down to the individual – it’s no use giving a broad sword to a midget as they probably wouldn’t be able to pick it up or swing it effectively. Likewise, why give a Swiss Army Knife to a Wrestler when they’ve got the strength and ability to wield a battleaxe. Bear in mind too, that anything can be used as a weapon from lampshades to frozen dogs. Just make sure that you feel comfortable and it’s not too difficult to carry around with you when on scavenging missions.

SFG: Considering that contact with zombies is at best, highly dangerous, How can the average Joe avoid contact altogether?

DR. DALE: This is where having a good team to work with comes into the equation. A natural born leader like myself would secure myself in a highly fortified safe house with enough supplies to last for 2 years. Should there be a problem with those supplies, though – you need to have people on your team who you are willing to send out on scavenging missions for you so that you never leave the confines of your safe location…. In fact – that’s another job that you could do – up until the point where you have to be sacrificed, that is.

SFG: How long can we expect the apocalypse to last?

DR. DALE: Recent studies have shown that if people weren’t prepared for the apocalypse it would take just ten weeks for there to be not one human being left alive on the planet – thus they would have won and the apocalypse is over. But, of course, because of the work of the School of Survival and fellow survival training groups the human race will be prepared which means all we have to do is wait for the zombies to rot away – this can take anywhere up to two years dependant on ambient conditions. There’s just two things to remember though – referring back to extreme temperatures – frozen zombies can defrost and carry on as normal – the temperature won’t kill them. And these timelines are all based on if the infection is ONLY passed on by biting. If the infection becomes airborn and we have no cure then we’re all pretty screwed.

SFG: The new Resident Evil movie comes out in September, will you guys be at the theater taking notes to incorporate into your seminar?

DR. DALE: Of course, despite the fact that it deals with mutations, superpowers, cloning and other such things that are highly unlikely to occur – it is always worth watching these films in order to at least get ideas for attack and defence. Besides, as I said, you never quite know what will happen when the time comes so it’s best to be prepared for every eventuality – even hulking great executioners and super powered Milla Jovoviches.

SFG: And last but not least, while the UK benefits from your seminar, do you have any plans to expand and share your knowledge with America?

DR. DALE: I am a certified Americanophile – my parents hail from your side of the pond, and although I moved to the UK when I was only 4 after their deaths I try to keep my American roots alive so would thoroughly enjoy touring the US should the opportunity become available. Besides, guns are available in the US so you are quite possibly better defended than the UK. Plus you have Disney and Universal Studios in Orlando….. that has no relevance to surviving the zombie apocalypse. I just enjoy holidaying in Orlando – I’m going to retire their I think….. that is, if the apocalypse doesn’t start before I’m 65.

However one would be foolish to think that Dr. Dale could manage such an undertaking singlehandedly. In order for such a grand effort to be successful, each team member must play a part. Check back later for our next Interview with Judy O’Dea, Head of Research and Development and also the resident Science Expert at The School of Survival, as SFG continues with the next part of The Zombie Apocalypse: Will you Survive? Til then, take an anatomy class and maybe join the NRA.